FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
Even though common
sense and good discretion are always the best guides to proper funeral
etiquette, a few principles still apply.
It is a common gesture
for close friends of the bereaving family to visit the family's home to
offer sympathy and assistance - this is sometimes referred to as a
condolence visit. With the bereaving family having to ensure that all
the arrangements are looked after, a close friend(s) may become very
helpful with food preparation and childcare. The visit can take place
any time within the first few weeks of death, and may be followed with
one or more additional visits, depending on the circumstances and your
relationship with the family.
In addition to expressing sympathy it is appropriate, if desired, to
relate to family members your fond memories of the deceased. In some
cases family members may simply want you to be a good listener to their
expressions of grief or memories of the deceased. In most circumstances
it is not appropriate to enquire as to the cause of death.
If you attend a wake you should approach the family and express your
sympathy. As with the condolence visit it is appropriate to relate your
memories of the deceased. If you were only acquainted with the deceased
(and not the family) you should introduce yourself.
It is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased if the
body is present and the casket is open. You may wish to say a silent
prayer for, or meditate about, the deceased at this time. In some cases
the family may escort you to the casket.
The length of your visit at the wake is a matter of discretion. After
visiting with the family and viewing the deceased you can visit with
others in attendance. Normally there is a register for visitors to sign.
As with other aspects of modern day society funeral dress codes have
relaxed somewhat. Black dress is no longer required. Instead subdued or
darker hues should be selected, the more conservative the better. After
the funeral the family often receives invited visitors to their home
for pleasant conversation and refreshments.
You can send flowers to the funeral home prior to the funeral, or to
the family residence at any time. In some cases flowers may also be
sent to Protestant churches. (Flowers generally are not sent to Jewish
synagogues and Catholic churches.) Florists know what is appropriate to
send in the funeral context.
Gifts in memory of the deceased are often made, particularly when the
family has requested gifts in lieu of flowers. The family is notified
of the gifts by personal note from the donor or through the donee, if
the donee is a charity or other organization. In the latter case the
donor provides the family's name and address to the charity at the time
the gift is made.
Even if you don't make a gift, a note or card to the deceased's family
expressing your thoughts of the deceased is a welcome gesture,
especially if you weren't able to attend the funeral.
FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
The funeral is a
ceremony of proven worth and value for those who mourn. It provides an
opportunity for the survivors and others who share in the loss to
express their love, respect, grief and appreciation for a life that has
been lived. It permits facing openly and realistically the crisis the
death presents. Through the funeral the bereaved take that first step
toward emotional adjustment to their loss. This information has been
prepared as a convenient reference for modern funeral practises and
customs.THE FUNERAL SERVICE
The family specifies
the type of service conducted for the deceased. Funeral directors are
trained to assist families in arranging whatever type of service they
desire. The service held either at a place of worship or at the funeral
home with the deceased present, varies in ritual according to
denomination. The presence of friends at this time is an
acknowledgement of friendship and support. It is helpful to friends and
the community to have an obituary notice published announcing the death
and type of service to be held.PRIVATE SERVICE
This service is by
invitation only and may be held at a place of worship, a funeral home
or a family home. Usually, selected relatives and a few close friends
attend the funeral service. Often public visitation is held,
condolences are sent, and the body is viewed.MEMORIAL SERVICE
A memorial service is
a service without the body present and can vary in ceremony and
procedures according to the community and religious affiliations. Some
families prefer public visitations followed by a private or graveside
service with a memorial service later at the church or funeral home.
PALLBEARERS
Friends,
relatives, church members or business associates may be asked to serve
as pallbearers. The funeral director will secure pallbearers if
requested to do so by the family.
HONORARY PALLBEARERS
When the deceased has
been active in political, business, church or civic circles, it may be
appropriate for the family to request close associates of the deceased
to serve as honorary pallbearers. They do not actively carry the casket.EULOGY
A member of the
family, clergy, a close personal friend or a business associate of the
deceased, may give a eulogy. The eulogy is not to be lengthy, but
should offer praise and commendation and reflect the life of the person
who has died.DRESS
Wearing colourful
clothing is no longer inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons
attending a funeral should be dressed in good taste so as to show
dignity and respect for the family and the occasion.FUNERAL PROCESSION / CORTEGE
When the funeral
ceremony and the burial are both held within the local area, friends
and relatives might accompany the family to the cemetery. The
procession is formed at the funeral home or place of worship. The
funeral director can advise you of the traffic regulations and
procedures to follow while driving in a funeral procession.CONDOLENCES
The time of death is a
very confusing time for family members. No matter what your means of
expressing your sympathy, it is important to clearly identify yourself
to the family.FLOWERS
Sending a floral
tribute is a very appropriate way of expressing sympathy to the family
of the deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life and beauty and offer
much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can either be sent to the
funeral home or the residence. If sent to the residence, usually a
planter or a small vase of flowers indicating a person's continued
sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist places an
identification card on the floral tribute. At the funeral home the
cards are removed from the floral tributes and given to the family so
they may acknowledge the tributes sent.MASS CARDS
Mass cards can be sent
either by Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The offering of prayers is
a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family. A card indicating
that a Mass for the deceased has been arranged may be obtained from any
Catholic parish. In some areas it is possible to obtain Mass cards at
the funeral home. The Mass offering card or envelope is given to the
family as an indication of understanding, faith and compassion. Make
sure that your name and address is legible and that you list your
postal code. This will make it easier for the family to acknowledge
your gift.MEMORIAL DONATIONS
A memorial
contribution, to a specific cause or charity, can be appreciated as
flowers. A large number of memorial funds are available, however the
family may have expressed a preference. Memorial donations provide
financial support for various projects. If recognized as a charitable
institution, some gifts may be deductible for tax purposes. Your
funeral director is familiar with them and can explain each option, as
well as furnish the donor with "In Memoriam" cards, which are given to
the family.SYMPATHY CARDS
Sending a card of
sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance, is appropriate. It
means so much to the family members to know they are in good thoughts.
The card should be in good taste and in keeping with your relationship
to the family of the deceased.PERSONAL NOTE
A personal note of
sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly and sincerely. An
expression such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal loss" is
welcomed by the family and can be kept with other messages.TELEPHONE CALL
Speaking to a family
member gives you an opportunity to offer your services and make them
feel you really care. If they wish to discuss their recent loss, don't
hesitate to talk to the person about the deceased. Be a good listener.
Sending a telegram expressing your sympathy is also appropriate.VISITATION
Your presence at the
visitation demonstrates that although someone has died, friends still
remain. Your presence is an eloquent statement that you care.
Visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their
expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than awkwardly approaching
the subject at the office, supermarket or social activities. The
obituary/death notice will designate the hours of visitation when the
family will be present and will also designate the times when special
services such as lodge services or prayer services may be held. Persons
may call at the funeral home at any time during suggested hours of the
day or evening to pay respects, even though the family is not present.
Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register book. A
person's full name should be listed e.g. "Mrs. John Doe". If the person
is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation, as the
family may not be familiar with their relationship to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgement on how long they should remain at
the funeral home or place of visitation. If they feel their presence is
needed, they should offer to stay.
When the funeral service is over, the survivors often feel very alone
in dealing with their feelings. It is important that they know you are
still there. Keep in touch.SYMPATHY EXPRESSIONS
When a person calls at
the funeral home, clasping hands, an embrace, or a simple statement of
condolence can express sympathy, such as:
- "I'm sorry."
- "My sympathy to you."
- "It was good to know John."
- "John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed."
- "My sympathy to your mother."
The family member in return may say:
- "Thanks for coming."
- "John talked about you often."
- "I didn't realize so many people cared."
- "Come see me when you can."
Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS...
The family should
acknowledge the flowers and messages sent by relatives and friends.
When food and personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also
should be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers. The
funeral director may have available printed acknowledgement cards that
can be used by the family. When the sender is well known to the family,
a short personal note should be written on the acknowledgement card
expressing appreciation for a contribution or personal service
received. The note can be short, such as:
- "Thank you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely.
-
"The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply appreciated."
In some communities
it is a practise to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The
funeral director can assist you with this.
CHILDREN AT FUNERALS
At a very early age,
children have an awareness of and a response to death. Children should
be given the option to attend visitation and the funeral service. The
funeral director can advise you on how to assist children at the time
of a funeral and can provide you with additional information and
literature. GRIEF RECOVERY
It is healthy to
recognize death and discuss it realistically with friends and
relatives. When a person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared.
Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others
following the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our
grief with one another. Your local funeral director can help family and
friends locate available resources and grief recovery programs in your
area.
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